Thank You Notes

If any of you have ever had the privilege of watching "The Jimmy Fallon Late Night Show", you will know that on his Friday night shows, he takes some time to write satirical thank you notes. If you haven't, here is an example.

Well, to let out a little of the steam that has been building up this week, I've decided to write my own thank you notes.

Thank You Charles Dickens...

for your excessive use of description. I never knew how many different ways there were to describe red bricks. If Rick James had read your book, maybe he could have sang, “She’s a red brick house….or at least she would be if the smoke and ashes had allowed it. She’s an unnatural red and black brick house that’s painted like a savage.” That could have been an even bigger hit than the original.

Thank You Wal-Mart Greeters...

for being so welcoming, especially when you glare at me at 10:57 p.m. when the floods of five people traversing about the store will make it impossible to make it to the back of the store and back to the front in three minutes in time to be out before closing—oh wait, I’m already checked out and headed back to my car.

Thank You Modern Language Association

for your guidelines on how to format a paper, which provides teachers the opportunity to be even more nit picky about formatting than before. Please let us know when you decide to make a rule about how the paper should be stapled together.

Thank You City of Rexburg...

for not shoveling the sidewalks and streets. It is a lot more fun ice skating to class than walking, and it is a great way to make friends when they are looking down at you sprawled out after falling down, and your face is contorted in pain.

Thank You deranged, people friendly squirrels...

for blocking the sidewalk and shadowing me as I try to walk around you. Seriously, it’s like 15 degrees outside. Shouldn’t you be holed up in a tree sleeping the cold weather out instead of irritating college students who are late for class?

Thank You Facebook...

for announcing the new Oregon Trail app. It will also be so awesome having my homepage flooded with notifications just like the ones I get about when a friend buys a cow on Farmtown, only these ones will say that the friend has died of dysentery.